A Time for Crying, Remembering & Healing

Hello all, it’s been awhile since my last entry and some have been kind enough to inquire as to my status, so here is what has been happening. On December 12th of last year, my Father was admitted to our local hospital as he had pneumonia for the third time that year. He was in the Medical Intensive Care Unit (MICU) for 15 days. They had to intubate him & complications kept arising. As he was 83 years old with COPD & Emphysema, the pneumonia just made things go from bad to worse and on December 27th he quietly passed away in that hospital room with my sister & I at his side.

It is a mixed blessing when you are able to watch someone take their last breath. When Mama passed in 2007 after a two year battle against Cancer, she was at home in her bed, with my sister, daughter & I at her side holding her hands telling her it was ok that she leave. Unlike being present for a birth there isn’t a feeling of elation and joy watching this heartbreaking life (end of life) event. It certainly isn’t as they portray on T.V. where you hear harps playing and Angels singing while you are surrounded with a glowing light and feeling of Serenity. No, it hits you like a ton of bricks to the stomach and you feel like you are going to throw up, then you begin crying. Not just tears from your eyes, but the kind of tears that come from the depths of your very soul. They burn as they roll onto your cheeks and there is a desperate cry of pain that seems to just explode out of your mouth as you try to grasp the concept of what you have just witnessed. Anger, fear and an uncontrollable shaking take over your body and the definition of helpless over takes you. It is an experience that you never, ever forget.

For me it was a matter of my heart taking over asking why over and over. Why couldn’t I do anything? I was right here, why didn’t I take them to a different doctor or clinic or hospital? Did I miss something? Why? It just consumed me. You see I moved in with my folks 9 years ago after they lost everything in the 2003 Southern California Wildfire. On that fateful October day we had no idea that when I evacuated them from their home of 35 years that they would never be able to return. If I would have known that the Cedar Fire was growing at a monster rate consuming everything in its path I would have thought to pack things, but no I just grabbed my parents their dog and a box of photos and made them leave. Why, why didn’t I think to pack anything? Logic tells me that there simply was nothing I could have done, but it took years for my heart to accept it.

Being there with them through their surgeries, cancer treatments & recovery made me a caregiver in training and it was my job to take care of them. So why couldn’t I fix things? Why couldn’t I have made sure that they would have healed and been ok? Yes, I do know the answer, but it has & is taking me time to accept it.

It never crossed my mind in December that once Daddy was admitted to the hospital, that he would never come home again. So the shock mixed with the pain has really made it difficult for me to adjust to life without him, but I’m getting stronger every day.

My family & I were blessed to be able to honor our Father this past weekend with a unique tribute that shared wonderful memories about his life & the footprint he left behind. Now that his Celebration of Life is over & his Military Service performed, we take great comfort in knowing that he is smiling from above holding Mama’s hand watching over all of us & sending us abundant Love.

As a believer in the Circle of Life & that ALL things happen for a reason, I shall proceed as many have done before me, in adjusting to this life without my parents one day at a time, and take all that they gave & taught me to make a difference in this world.

I am incredibly blessed with a support system that allows me to grieve openly and provides me a safe place to do so with many shoulders to cry on and arms to hug when needed.

Without all of them I’m not sure where I would be. Their love gives me strength daily and being able to share openly like this also helps me begin the healing process.

Thanks for letting me “cyber vent”, it means so much to me. And for those who have lived in and through this type of pain & life changing event, I am sending you a Universe of hugs & prayers that you too are getting stronger each and every day.

I promise to jump back into reality right away. I have many new resources for you and am moving forward on self publishing my book as I write this. I know that I have much left to accomplish and many people to help and I shall do so with my parents heavenly guidance.

As for now it is time for Crying, Remembering & Healing….

Single Moms of the World Unite! & reach out to help one another while raising your Wonderful Families… Always remember that you are NOT alone and that you are doing an AMAZING job!!

Blessings to all…… Torie

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